Just GIVE IT

I could see him from the corner of my eye as I waited for the stoplight to turn to green. He sat shivering on a bench, rocking back and forth, wrapped in a thin blue blanket. I didn’t know him or his story, but I kept thinking, “That is someone’s son,” and I had compassion for him. 

I asked God, “What can I do?” then it hit me, “Oh….wow…. God…that is a huge ask.” I drove home, ran up the stairs to a vacant room, and pushed my way into a virtual time capsule. Memories instantly beckoned me to sit for a while and brood, but I refused.  I just wanted to help someone and not feel sad for once. With my hand on the closet door, I said out loud, “God, do you hear me? I am going to do it!” I wanted to make sure He knew that I meant business. This was going to take courage. I opened the door, my eyes rested on a heavy-duty black Carhart.  I took the coat from its hanger. It was a sturdy coat chosen for one who loved the outdoors. My heart ached as I lifted it to my face and buried my nose deep into the fabric. His scent was gone. I knew it would be it had been two years since he lost his life in a hiking accident in the mountains of Montana.

I stared at my son’s coat. It had been on many adventures. No doubt this thing held some stories…chopping wood with his dad, walking the riverbank looking for arrowheads, hiking with his sister, wilderness camping with his brother, or sitting around a fire with friends.  It was also the coat my husband and I had left on its hanger the day we started going through his room. So now it hung in a closet, not serving anyone.  And still, we had not finished the job of boxing and sealing up his things.  Everything we touched held a memory. It seemed we could never find the time to do a job, no parent should ever have to do. 

My mind returned to the man shivering at the bus stop, so with quick determination, I scooped up the coat, ran down to the car, and sped to the bus stop. He was still sitting on the cold metal bench, wrapped in the thin blanket. As I gingerly stepped toward him, I could see that he was hunched over a piece of paper, writing something.  He wore a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. His dirty feet were jittery in his flip-flops, and his odor told me it’d been a while since he’d been able to bathe. 

“Excuse me, sir?”

…silence…

Louder this time. ” Excuse me, sir?… I have a coat…if you would like it?”

I clutched the heavy fabric to my chest; memories of Josh and me in the woods quietly identifying songbirds flooded my mind. When he was very small, he studied and categorized animals. He was 7 when our family went to the Grand Canyon. During a hike, he ran ahead.  When we caught up, we found him giving a lecture on Mountain Jays versus common Blue Jays to a small group of adults. He loved to share his knowledge. He was always…

“No, I’m fine!”

The sharp tone of the man on the bench yanked me back to the present.   “Are…are you sure? You look cold.’, I thought about the weather forecast and wondered if he knew what was coming. Exasperated, he replied, “OK, give it. I’ll put it in my bag!”

I was stunned at his abruptness.  My mind went blank, and instead of apologizing for bothering him and leaving, I handed over my son’s coat.  He opened his bag and shoved it in. He didn’t even look at it; He returned to his paper. I slowly turned to walk away, and he mumbled something. I stopped, stepped back, “Excuse me?”, I said, thinking he had thanked me. But instead, with much exasperation, he replied, “I said…I put it in my bag!” My brain went numb. No thought came to my mind. I couldn’t have reacted if I had wanted to. I quickly returned to my car, shut the door, and immediately fell apart.  The numb feeling, I had was suddenly replaced by a massive boulder that had been shoved deep into my chest…ripping through my flesh and mangling my heart.  I felt duped. I felt taken for granted; I felt dumb, misinformed, and mistaken.  “God? Did I hear you right? What WAS that?”

As I drove home, hot tears blurred my vision and streaked my cheeks. I tried to understand where I had gone wrong.  I sat at the kitchen table and laid my head on its cool, hard surface.  I sobbed and asked God how He could ask me to give up something so precious to someone so ungrateful, to someone so indifferent.  Had I misinterpreted God’s leading, had I misunderstood? I felt so stupid.  This man hadn’t asked for help, he hadn’t asked for a coat and who was I? Some bored, middle-aged woman coming to save the day? But that was not my heart.  My heart had been sincere; I wanted to obey even though I knew it would be difficult. Still, my brain kept rolling through all that had gone wrong. I thought about how I made this decision by myself.  Would my husband be upset? He had no choice in what to do with his son’s coat. I just did it. I had also assumed that this man wanted help. I began to think that God was toying with me.

Where was the affirmation of a job well done? The rush of joy? The increased faith? The payoff?  I started thinking about the coat. I felt as if I’d handed over part of my son – memories attached and all. “God, do you even see me?”, “Do you have any idea how I feel?”, “Do you understand what I gave away?” My faith dove into a spiral. I was scared, “God, please help me”, I begged.

Staring at the empty hanger, it struck me…I gave up a coat, but God gave His love. His love was sacrificial. It was costly. He gave His only son to a world that He deeply loved. He knowingly gave His son to those who would accept and follow Him with all their heart, as well as to those who would ultimately reject Him. He knew this even as the nails tore through his flesh.

What’s more, He gives us good gifts every day! He gives gifts that I sometimes take for granted, like a sunny day, the beauty of creation, and food that I don’t have to hunt down and drag home, at least not in the real sense. He gives the gifts of mercy, grace, compassion, and wisdom.  I can be indifferent about such blessings. I don’t always thank Him. Sometimes, I don’t even acknowledge Him. I may as well say, “Okay, give it, I’ll put it in my bag!”

But was this my takeaway? My payoff? If it had been easier, maybe I wouldn’t understand the heart of sacrificial giving. I also realized that my obedience was not about the payoff. I can trust, obey, and wait on the Lord, whether I understand or not. Maybe, one day, I will know if my obedience in this life ever set off a chain reaction of blessing in others, but for now, I am blessed and humbled.  I am grateful to God for giving His son, Jesus, the most precious and sacrificial gift ever. And as for the coat? Giving it away did not dull or take away the beautiful memories.  I still have them.  And God did see me that day but in a way I did not expect. He reminded me how much He loved me and the rest of the world. He gave me perspective.  He gave me an opportunity to trust and not always have to understand the outcome. 

Ephesians 1:7-8 TPT: “Since we are now joined to Christ, we have been given the treasures of redemption by his blood—the total cancellation of our sins—all because of the cascading riches of his grace. This superabundant grace is already powerfully working in us, releasing all forms of wisdom and practical understanding.”

Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.