“Wait, what if it’s an infestation?!”,
“Don’t say you’re easy on me. You’re about as easy as a nuclear war.”,
“The joy of the Lord is my strength.”,
“He is gone… I really miss him…”,
“Crap, I left the half and half in the car yesterday.”,
“Today is the day our daughter gets married!”,
“Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth but only what is helpful…”,
“She was only 33! She was too young Lord, not her too.”,
“It’s not the perfume that you wear. It’s not the ribbons in your hair..I don’t mind you coming here and wasting all my time.”,
“Today is the day we must say goodbye to my sweet mom-in-law.”
“Morning God…give me strength.”,
“Am I ready to put up ornaments this year? or just the lights again?”
“Mom looked so small this last visit, I feel time ticking away.”
These have been my waking thoughts over the past several months.
When your eyes open either in the middle of the night or at the alarm of the new day what is first on your mind? We process a lot as we sleep. So I wasn’t surprised at some of these notions, but I was surprised at song lyrics and scriptures rolling out first thing. This morning I was comforted by “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” I can’t remember the last time I’d thought about that verse but there it was written on my heart, and in my subconscious. I thought about “The joy of the Lord is my strength.”and realized that God was giving me an answer to my lack of energy and joy. I felt he was telling me “you have no strength because you have no joy. You have no joy because you’d rather numb yourself more than you want to get close to Me.” It was true, in the past several months our lives had gone through some more changes. Our daughter had gotten married. We fully celebrated that day! It was the first time I had been so very happy since our son died. My spirits were lifted! I felt like life could change in good ways too. But then it wasn’t but a few months later and we suddenly lost our sweet niece-in-law. “Why God?” “How can this be?” Subconsciously, I kind of felt like we’d taken one for the team losing Josh. I really didn’t think it could happen in our extended family again. Hadn’t our family lost enough? During this same time my mother-in-law had fallen at the beauty shop and never came home. It would be 2 months of hospitals, ER visits, skilled nursing and finally a diagnosis of cancer. There was no fighting the aggressive advanced disease. She passed within days. And in all of this my own mother had been put on Hospice. It was all too much and I had become weary of feeling. So scrolling and streaming became a bandaid for my bleeding heart. I felt empty as soon as the screen went from blue to black. It gave me nothing to hang onto.
Distractions can be helpful but they’re powerless to truly heal. So why, do I choose to blow right past my Savior, and go to Netflix, or video clips of disobedient dogs, comedians, or even Judge Judy while my Counselor, my Comforter, my Prince of Peace is waiting for me? He is always available with a listening ear and true words of encouragement. How about you? Is life a bit more than you can deal with right now? Do you ever choose a bandaid over true healing? Does it sound like it would be awkward to talk to God? Give it a try, write it out if you’d rather. He created us to have a relationship an interconnection with him.
Thank you Lord for your loving grace. Thank you for your beautiful way of waking me with your words. Thank you that you already know my heart yet you want me to pour it out to you continually. You know all of my sorrows, you’ve collected my tears in a bottle, you’ve even recorded each one in a book. I know human ears are not always available and I can’t always express my feelings even when someone is listening. But you, Lord, know my quiet heavy sighs. Even your Spirit intercedes for me with wordless groans. You are an intimate God. Thank you for always drawing me back to you. Thank you that you don’t give up on me or any of your children.
Scriptures that came to mind as I wrote:
“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! Romans 11:33
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” Isaiah 26:3
“Keep this Book of theLaw always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.” Joshua 1:8
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in a book. Psalm 56:8